7 September 2010, 4:14 pm
Well, I have a long trauma history… But I am still not sure if I was sexually abused as a very young child or not. I apologize for the length but this is an important question and I want to make sure I am clear. I have these “Feelings” and a vague memory about a first floor apartment in a complex we lived in before I was 4 years old… I get a “Bad” feeling and can picture looking down the dark stairs to this apartment. I’ve “Flashed Back” to this image a number of times, seemingly more at random than when involved in any form of sexual activity. I know that I was sexually compulsive from a VERY VERY VERY young age… Literally, I have memories of masturbating before the age of 3. Not very clear memories, mainly snippits of image that go along with the feeling, but I recognize the room I’m in etc. and I know that this is a very young child memory. The sexual compulsivity continued until about the 3rd grade. I respond with sexuality as a coping mechanism on and off to this day. I’m now in more of a depravation stage. I was told that this sexual compulsivity from such a young age was most likely the result of living in such a chaotic household… My father told me about how my mother had to stop smoking marijuana in the house after she caught me with a rolling paper at the planter at the age of 2, putting dirt in the paper and trying to roll a “Joint” with potting soil. My mother was severely disabled from a massive accident in her early 20’s but that legitimate pain caused her to get hooked on her opiate pain medication, alcohol, weed… And her childhood and familial tendency for mental illness and substance abuse just took off… My father worked nights and also smoked a LOT of weed but didn’t do much in front of me and really worked hard to clean up his act after I was born… He is responsible for his choices, but I had confirmation that after I was born, he stopped smoking tobacco, stopped doing ANYTHING at home but have a beer or two, and tried to limit what he did outside the home with his coworkers… My mother was so high/drunk for most of my life that I have no doubt that something could have happened without her noticing. I know we moved out of that apartment complex when I was 4, so whatever implicit memories I have had to have happened before then… I have strange, conflicting feelings about sex and sexuality and though I have had a long term relationship of 4.5 years, I’ve only had 4 sexual partners total in my life… The first being an emotionally abusive male, the - fourth were one time, Fling sort of things at a BDSM Club with a male and two females. (I’m 29 year old female btw) I have some strange Kinks… Nothing too off the wall but Vanilla has never cut it with me. I now, as an adult, have Borderline Personality Disorder and still self harm, even though I was told that it should have tapered off in my early 20’s… I’m extremely chaotic and have major anger problems… I don’t like people, I like to be alone… And I have suicidal thoughts every single day, multiple times a day, though I doubt I will ever really act on them. Opinions? Is it just the severely chaotic home life or does the strange memory of a dark hallway mean someone got to me before the age of 4?... Read More »
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